So Much To Say...

Before you get too excited about the title of this post let me start off by saying that we have no new news about our adoption. Believe me you will all know when we know something. I won't be able to keep quite. The end of March marks 6 months of waiting for a match. We continue to pray for our birth family whoever and wherever they may be, especially the birth mom. Waiting has not been easy by any means but we know that this waiting serves a purpose, bringing us one day closer to our child.

Now back to today's title. I've had several blog post swirling about in my head. Surprising as that is because I am not close to being a prolific poster, I've just been unsure about how my thoughts, feelings and perspectives would be received. As we've struggled to start a family over the past 4 years (yes, yet another unwelcome milestone firmly situated in March) I have only shared my truest struggles with a few close friends. This is not because I didn't trust others, but mostly because some of the things that I've experienced and needed to process have been messy and hard to explain.

But as we continue this (endless?) journey I have started to realize that maybe it would be beneficial to get it all out there. Ironically, one thing that has kept me sane, or as close to sane as possible, is reading other people's blogs. Now I'm not exactly talking about my friends blogs, although I love keeping up on their lives that way as well. But those people's blogs who have experience with building their families despite infertility.

Hearing other women's stories about infertility treatments, adopting, and how they have survived has provided me with the sense that I am not alone. These women are usually complete strangers, but we share something so heartbreaking, so defining, that I cannot help but to feel bonded with their journey. Call me crazy, but this has been one time where I am thankful for the vastness of the internet and for these brave women who have not only gone before me but shared their pain in a real and honest way with strangers.

What I'm fumbling around saying is that for a while I need to post about our journey, our struggle, and our pain. It may not be fun to read and please if it is not what you want to hear about, that's okay. In writing our story I may write somethings that could seem like I am bitter at the world, or that I am not happy for my friends how have had an easy journey to parenthood. Its not that at all.

Honestly, I rejoice that most of my friends have not had to deal with the things that we have. I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone, even those I don't like. I am grateful when things go as planned, when pregnancies are easily achieved and maintained. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't sting to hear about how so and so got pregnant their first month of trying.

So there it is. I need to be more honest about this trek towards what we thought would be an easy addition. I hope that I am able to communicate clearly and that maybe someone out there in blogland will identify with what I'm saying. If not maybe it will just be an opportunity for me to learn how to be unashamed of my emotions, to learn be more honest with myself and open with those who I am in relationships with.