As I mentioned before I have found a good amount of solace in reading other people's blogs. A good friend of mind pointed me towards one of her friends blog's not too long ago. This blogger has had a horribly rough year including a heartbreaking loss that I cannot even fathom. Even still her writing about her faith is amazing. Her trust in Christ so complete even though she is grieving.
Through reading a handful of her entries and in processing my own stuff relating to our infertility/adoption/loss, I realize that often I play the "it could be worse" card. It goes like this, our situation could be worse at least _____ didn't happen, or how can I be struggling, look at what so-and-so is dealing with. While its true, my "stuff" could be worse, its not right to discount the fact that the past 4 years have not been a cake walk by any stretch of the imagination.
Pain is pain; regardless of our human-made hierarchy of loss, regardless of what others are going through. Infertility, I think, is a special type of pain that is often hidden, swept under the rug, not acknowledged. I often wonder if this is because it is somewhat invisible. Maybe it is because no one really knows what to say, or because it is so personal. Whatever the reason is it is often a much quieter grief. I mean essentially we are mourning children that do not exist.
Somehow through all of the failed cycles, through the trials, through the years of waiting, through the pain, and the glimpses of joy, I'm learning that it is okay to not be okay. I obviously have a lot to be thankful for and I am, a God who would send his son to die for me, a wonderful supportive husband, a great family, our sweet dog, and so much more.
Its not that I want to wallow in what I do not have or in the obvious ache of what I long for, but I am still aware that something is very much absent from this picture. I am learning how to be present in this season that God has obviously called me to. My hope is that I will learn how to truly submit my all heart to God in this time and learn to live right where He has me at this moment, really live.
Still I have a great deal of hope for life the other side of this desert. If I really look hard enough I can almost see the promised land, but it feels like it is a long ways off. Some days it even feels like a mirage, a dream. I know it is there, but I have to make it through this journey first. I have to learn how to patiently sit at the feet of my Father and find contentment in His love first, even if this means I have to rest in the desert of all places.
One of my all time favorite verses right now is from Isaiah 42:16. God promises to "...lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."
Even in the darkest roughest places God is there. He can see the way, even when I cannot. He knows what is coming and where He is taking me. And while He is leading me; blind, anxious, stumbling me, He will make the darkness turn to light. I cannot wait to see the sun rise over this journey.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
So Much To Say...
Before you get too excited about the title of this post let me start off by saying that we have no new news about our adoption. Believe me you will all know when we know something. I won't be able to keep quite. The end of March marks 6 months of waiting for a match. We continue to pray for our birth family whoever and wherever they may be, especially the birth mom. Waiting has not been easy by any means but we know that this waiting serves a purpose, bringing us one day closer to our child.
Now back to today's title. I've had several blog post swirling about in my head. Surprising as that is because I am not close to being a prolific poster, I've just been unsure about how my thoughts, feelings and perspectives would be received. As we've struggled to start a family over the past 4 years (yes, yet another unwelcome milestone firmly situated in March) I have only shared my truest struggles with a few close friends. This is not because I didn't trust others, but mostly because some of the things that I've experienced and needed to process have been messy and hard to explain.
But as we continue this (endless?) journey I have started to realize that maybe it would be beneficial to get it all out there. Ironically, one thing that has kept me sane, or as close to sane as possible, is reading other people's blogs. Now I'm not exactly talking about my friends blogs, although I love keeping up on their lives that way as well. But those people's blogs who have experience with building their families despite infertility.
Hearing other women's stories about infertility treatments, adopting, and how they have survived has provided me with the sense that I am not alone. These women are usually complete strangers, but we share something so heartbreaking, so defining, that I cannot help but to feel bonded with their journey. Call me crazy, but this has been one time where I am thankful for the vastness of the internet and for these brave women who have not only gone before me but shared their pain in a real and honest way with strangers.
What I'm fumbling around saying is that for a while I need to post about our journey, our struggle, and our pain. It may not be fun to read and please if it is not what you want to hear about, that's okay. In writing our story I may write somethings that could seem like I am bitter at the world, or that I am not happy for my friends how have had an easy journey to parenthood. Its not that at all.
Honestly, I rejoice that most of my friends have not had to deal with the things that we have. I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone, even those I don't like. I am grateful when things go as planned, when pregnancies are easily achieved and maintained. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't sting to hear about how so and so got pregnant their first month of trying.
So there it is. I need to be more honest about this trek towards what we thought would be an easy addition. I hope that I am able to communicate clearly and that maybe someone out there in blogland will identify with what I'm saying. If not maybe it will just be an opportunity for me to learn how to be unashamed of my emotions, to learn be more honest with myself and open with those who I am in relationships with.
Now back to today's title. I've had several blog post swirling about in my head. Surprising as that is because I am not close to being a prolific poster, I've just been unsure about how my thoughts, feelings and perspectives would be received. As we've struggled to start a family over the past 4 years (yes, yet another unwelcome milestone firmly situated in March) I have only shared my truest struggles with a few close friends. This is not because I didn't trust others, but mostly because some of the things that I've experienced and needed to process have been messy and hard to explain.
But as we continue this (endless?) journey I have started to realize that maybe it would be beneficial to get it all out there. Ironically, one thing that has kept me sane, or as close to sane as possible, is reading other people's blogs. Now I'm not exactly talking about my friends blogs, although I love keeping up on their lives that way as well. But those people's blogs who have experience with building their families despite infertility.
Hearing other women's stories about infertility treatments, adopting, and how they have survived has provided me with the sense that I am not alone. These women are usually complete strangers, but we share something so heartbreaking, so defining, that I cannot help but to feel bonded with their journey. Call me crazy, but this has been one time where I am thankful for the vastness of the internet and for these brave women who have not only gone before me but shared their pain in a real and honest way with strangers.
What I'm fumbling around saying is that for a while I need to post about our journey, our struggle, and our pain. It may not be fun to read and please if it is not what you want to hear about, that's okay. In writing our story I may write somethings that could seem like I am bitter at the world, or that I am not happy for my friends how have had an easy journey to parenthood. Its not that at all.
Honestly, I rejoice that most of my friends have not had to deal with the things that we have. I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone, even those I don't like. I am grateful when things go as planned, when pregnancies are easily achieved and maintained. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't sting to hear about how so and so got pregnant their first month of trying.
So there it is. I need to be more honest about this trek towards what we thought would be an easy addition. I hope that I am able to communicate clearly and that maybe someone out there in blogland will identify with what I'm saying. If not maybe it will just be an opportunity for me to learn how to be unashamed of my emotions, to learn be more honest with myself and open with those who I am in relationships with.
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